Our beliefs shape our reality. Whether it’s a new job, a life change, or even something as commonplace as a new show, movie, album, book, event, or online course—our beliefs create expectations (positive or otherwise) that we carry into new experiences. Example: Is the picture below showing a tree and a cactus growing too close together? Or... Two prickly things sharing a moment? I snapped this pic while out on a walk, because it made me happy to see a cactus hugging a tree. (Yes, the tree is prickly too, #desertlife.) The point is, our reality is BYO (Bring Your Own).
Lately, everywhere I look some new thing is promising transformation—body, mind, spirit, or all of the above. I fully understand I'm seeing an abundance of change-related content because AI gets me. Still, I occasionally fall for it. We might have different obsessions, but I'm sure you can relate. And, more often than not, our hopes (or reservations) are directly proportional to the hype surrounding the thing, whatever it is. Sometimes the thing actually delivers too. Go figure! But, generally speaking, not everything lives up to expectations. There's some benefit, but we're not transformed. It's just aight.
So, is our experience the result of the product, service, event (whatever), or our mindset and expectations? I suspect it's a mash-up, but mostly mindset. It seems to me that what we take away from any experience depends on three things: what we expect to receive, what we give to the experience, and what we do in the moment and after.
1. What We Expect: Descartes, Hold My Beer.
Anticipation is part of being human and having a brain. Our brains are brimming with expectations. Sometimes, these thoughts are neutral, but more often they're charged: positive or negative. Our beliefs, and their energetic charge, are fundamental aspects of how our brains are programed, unprogrammed, and reprogrammed. And, this programming shapes how we perceive, experience, and respond to life.
Thanks to the programs running in our minds, we both anticipate the future and perceive the present based on what we've experienced in the past. The person who thinks an experience will suck and the person who thinks it's going to be awesome are both right. Same situation. Different mindset. Different experience. Our mindset is key to how we process and integrate the twists and turns of life—it's arguably the most important factor.
Our mental stash of expectations not only shapes how we experience life, it shapes our identity. Um, what? Yeah, according to Dr. Joe Dispenza, a neuroscience researcher and author, “95% of who we are by the time we’re 35 is a memorized set of behaviors, emotional reactions, unconscious habits, beliefs, and perceptions.” Ouch, Joe.
In addition to this little truth bomb, Dr. Dispenza's work, as well as many other studies on neuroscience and human behavior, show that:
Our mindset shapes our thoughts.
Our thoughts guide our choices.
Our choices lead directly to our actions, behaviors, and habits.
Our actions affect our experiences.
Our experiences spark feelings.
Our emotions influence, change, or confirm our mindset.
That's right: the whole process loops right back around to mindset. Your brain thinks it's the boss of you, so everything your well-meaning grey matter tells you do, say, think, and feel impacts your mindset. Wait, there's more!
Mindset + Identity
When this cycle repeats in similar scenarios, the same thoughts, choices, actions, experiences, and feelings become like a computer program that's (quite literally) hardcoded into our brains to execute automatically. If we're not careful, this whole collection of "programs," which we have consciously and subconsciously chosen, can become our identity.
Speaking of identity, unless you’re a "ride or die" Descartes fan, we can toss “I think, therefore I am" out the window now. Sources from modern psychology to ancient wisdom practices reinforce that we are not our thoughts, because we can observe ourselves thinking. (If there's a "you" observing, then "you" are something beyond your thoughts.) There is a nugget of truth Descartes' observation, however. It's not as pithy, but our thoughts do shape our ego identity.
Our brains become attached to our programs. Our ego wants us to believe the programs are who we are. In reality, what we're identifying with is our accumulated beliefs, likes, dislikes, automatic responses, perspectives, preferences, and expectations. For better or worse, our programs impact our choices, actions, and emotions, as well as our overall outlook on life AND how we experience it. Gulp. Time for new thoughts, anyone? Decartes, hold my beer.
2. What We Give: Make Expectations Great Again
Before this gets MEGA depressing, hold up! All of this brain programming business can be changed. The key is what we give to the experience. The whole loop can be reset and preprogramed, but we have to think new thoughts. This is where you tell your brain to "check yo' self before you wreck yo' self." Let's start with expectations. We truly have the power to make our expectations great again when we focus more on what we choose to give vs. what we expect to receive. Also true: I'm not suggesting that MEGA hats become a thing.
Expectations are simply thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. If we can observe our thoughts, we can change them. We can choose them. You might be thinking, won't this whole great expectations thing set me up to be disappointed? Not if we train our brains to approach new situations with a beginner's mind, open and ready to embrace something new, regardless of our past experience. With a beginner's mind, we open ourselves to new insights and wisdom. We're not attached to a specific outcome. Learning, creativity, and innovative ideas become more accessible to us in this state of mind. With a beginner's mind, we're not holding onto preconceptions, beliefs, judgments, assumptions, and expectations. We drop the worry, along with our stories about what "should be" or how we "know it will be." And hey, if nothing else, we learn (or re-learn) something.
When we become more comfortable with the unknown, the upside is huge! Learn more about the benefits of a beginner's mind here. Does the upside mean exemption from expectations? Realistically, no, not completely. But, it sure helps! Again, we're human. We have brains, and our brains are anticipation machines.
Calibrate Your Anticipation Machine
Our default programing focuses our attention on outcomes, what we will take away from situations, how we benefit (or how we won't). Our brains make comparisons, calling our attention to tradeoffs—what we're missing because we're doing this thing instead of that thing. It's important not to judge our thoughts. Just come back to the mindset you choose to have. Think new thoughts. With practice, you can reset your outlook and retrain your brain.
The objective is not to eliminate intentions and goals. Those are great! Well, unless we're too attached to them. To live life on-purpose, it's important to know what we want and take action toward it, while also leaving room for the Universe to work on our behalf. It's a delicate balance: having direction that energizes us, but releasing our attachment to the specific outcome of our effort. The objective here is to focus on what we bring to our life experience and to open our minds to new possibilities. When we're intentional about giving our best to every experience, when we're receiving with gratitude and an open heart and mind, we can reprogram our mindset for the better. We can condition our brain to work for us.
When more of our thoughts, more of our energy, are focused on what we are bringing in, what we're choosing to give to the experience (whatever it is), then we're in the driver's seat. We're using our brains instead of our brains using us. When we intentionally and consistently decide to bring creativity, enthusiasm, gratitude, kindness, and openness, we attract more of the same. What we put into our work and life through our attitude directly shapes what we receive (more on the law of attraction here). What we experience trains our brain what to expect, which affects our mindset the next time, which impacts what we give and get, which influences what we expect and attract, and the loop continues.
3. What We Do: Happiness is the Path
If you're up for an experiment, take a moment and visualize how you show up when you feel like your best self. What do you do, say, think, and feel? What do you believe about yourself? Imagine what others might say about you when you're at your best. Now, pick three words to describe this you. What would happen if you showed up that way all the time?
BYO mindset magic is something you can add to your work and life anytime, and there's really no downside. When I use my three words to bring best-self me to the party, I know my experience will be better. I enjoy things more. I'm also (ahem) easier to be around, or so I've been told. It's one thing to embrace the knowledge that, thanks to our brains, the majority of our life experiences are BYO reality. It's quite another to put this awareness into action. What do we do with this information? How do we apply it? You do you, as always, but I highly recommend using this superpower to upgrade your success and happiness.
Happiness + Success
There's a quote attributed to Buddha, "There is no path to happiness: happiness is the path." As it turns out, a meta-analysis of more than 200 studies on happiness supports this POV. For many of us, our default programming tells us we’ll be happy when we become successful—when we get that job, that promotion, that income level, that house, or that...fill in the blank. Research on the psychology and neuroscience of happiness shows the exact opposite. With each milestone we reach, we’re pleased momentarily. Soon after, we shift the bar. Our criteria for happiness moves out further. Expecting that we’ll be happy when we achieve a specific outcome actually erodes our ability to be happy now.
We all know that feeling of disappointment when something we anticipated didn't make us happy. It didn't live up to our expectations. Now we know! Happiness is the precursor to (not the result of); it's happiness that leads to positive outcomes for us in our work, health, relationships, and more. Author and happiness researcher, Shawn Achor, puts it this way: “When we are happy—when our mindset and mood are positive—we are smarter, more motivated, and thus more successful. Happiness is the center, and success revolves around it.” Bonus: we can even make happiness a habit.
BYO Magic
With every new experience in work and life, we have the power to bring our own magic, our own growth, our own transformation, and our own happiness. Sometimes an unexpected shift happens or a mysterious experience changes us fundamentally. That's rare. Minor (and major) miracles can make us pause in wonder at how the universe works—from why the law of attraction is a thing, to whatever the hell is going on with particle physics, and even the everyday synchronicities that defy coincidence. But, most of the time, the magic in our lives is BYO. That doesn't make it any less spectacular or less likely to transform us for the better.
Every day, we have opportunities to shift our mindset, give to the moment, receive with gratitude, and share what we've learned with others. We can choose to give more magic to our life experience and bring more peace, love, and joy into our actions and interactions. When we do, we set ourselves up to receive more of the same. All this goodness affects what we learn, what we apply, what we put into motion, and the positive impact we make for our friends, families, colleagues, and communities. And, that’s magic I can get behind.
More to Explore!
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